Things I Dont Like: Spaghetti Squash

Ya know, I try to be all healthy and active 24/7. And even though I have some major food aversions (ask my family about green beans), I do try to cook new recipes and give food at least a fighting chance to impress me. It’s no surprise that with this Paleo and Gluten Free craze hitting dieters that I would eventually stumble upon the miracle food that is [allegedly] spaghetti squash.

I got excited for it. I pre-wrote a blog on how it changed my life, and that I was giving up my carb-loaded Italian ways. I pinned at least four recipes. I proudly tracked it before I ate it. I spoke about it with my coworker (who swore it was amazing…). I WAS READY.

And then I ate it.

Ohmygod I hate all of you. What BS you have sold me, internet world (+ coworker)! Sure, it looks like ramen noodles. But all I tasted was a “pasta” bowl of lies.

This is what I get for expecting too much of my vegetables. You think I would have learned my lesson when I tried the ever popular recipe for cauliflower “popcorn.” But no, I fall in to the “let’s make veggies taste like actual food” agenda. and I end up getting brokenhearted when my 3lb squash still tastes like 3lbs of softer squash.

LIES! (picture from: http://steamykitchen.com)

I will never forget this kitchen tragedy (probably because there was like 3lbs of leftovers and I am still finding little strands of squash on my dog’s paws).

DietBet and Weekly Update

As you may remember, last week was the official start to my #fitfluential dietbet challenge. In a little over a week, the pot has grown to almost $14K! That’s HUGE.

I weighed in on Saturday morning to start off with and was significantly higher than I had been in weeks at xx5.6. I didn’t plan it that way. I didn’t try to cheat. My weight was just up. I weighed in again on Monday morning and my weight was down about 2.8lbs. All water weight, I know. But I recorded it anyways.

(Of course, this is when people who do not understand weight loss or think that everything is a competition began to jump on the dietbet boards calling those who had lost weight on the first official day cheaters…)

Anyways, my goal of the week was to maintain that 2lb water weight loss. Here’s what I did:

• Sunday: 2 mile treadmill interval run
• Monday: Treadmill walk and Elliptical
• Tuesday: 5am Boot camp
• Wednesday: 2 mile treadmill interval run
• Thursday:Free weight sculpt class, elliptical, and yoga
• Friday: 2 mile treadmill interval run and 25 minute incline interval walk

My goal was to burn around 300-400 calories daily, which I did. I also planked every day for the #plankaday challenge. You can see my plank times by visiting my twitter.

As for eating, I did fairly well. My streak of not buying anything at the work cafeteria is now at almost a month. I did eat pasta twice this week (which is allowed). But one of those times was Kraft mac and cheese. I will give myself credit for only eating half of the box though! 🙂

So, how did my week 1 weigh in go this morning? Did I maintain a 2lb+ weight loss from Monday?

….

…

… (the suspense…)

…

This morning, I weighed in at xx3.4. Which means, I am down -2.2lbs! That’s 28% to goal. I need to lose about 1.95lbs / week, so I am right on track. However, my weight has been stalled at this xx3-xx2 for awhile, so I am hoping that I can pull myself out of the slump and weigh in at xx1.9 next week.

Always In Question

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I’m not going to lie. I am getting restless, bored, and irritated with life in general. While minor, I haven’t been able to catch a break in the general gloom and doom. And like I’ve mentioned before, that little gray cloud is following me. 

It could be the weather. Sure. I work in an underground office without windows or outside facing doors. I’m constantly bathed by lighting that graces morgues and basements. Being put in a shared office roughly the size of a bathroom contributes to the general anxiety associated with claustrophobia.

But I dont think that’s it.

For the last two years, I have been scratching at something. Unhappy with my current career and resolved that I will most likely never be able to go back to teaching, I have been applying to random positions sporadically. Sometimes I get the motivation and apply to 10-20 per day. And it wears me down enough so that I spend an equal amount of time not applying to any. 

I’m either resolved that I will be staying where I am my entire life, or I am resolved that I can make the change in my life. On one hand, I make a decent salary at a job that many people are fighting tooth and nail to get in to. I have a respectable home life with minimal drama attached. Staying in Chicago forever seems like the obvious choice. After all, I am getting married in about 8 months. Why shouldn’t I just put down those roots, purchase that home, write down a five year plan, get the master’s, etc.? Isn’t that what most 25/26 year olds do? 

But then I think about it long and hard. I’ve never been the girl who has dreamed of purchasing homes, being a stay-at-home mom (no offense to those that are), or spending my life working at an office with no windows and doors for 40 hours a week. No, my plan was always to do chase after something bigger and brighter. 

I get it in to my head that I can do that. That my fiance and dog will follow behind me, in line, without question. And to an extent, they probably would. I make plans. I research airline policies on transporting small dogs. I look in to telecommuting. I read blogs about “digital nomads” and house sitting opportunities. I get inspired some more. I tell myself that in one years time, I will be there (wherever the dream location may be … Argentina, for today). 

And I break those promises. 

Every time I get these itches for something more than normalcy, I sit here waiting for that opportunity that will make a it a reality. It’s always an issue of the how and never the when. (no one asks me why, which may be a more important question down the road). I wait and wait for some big career move to open itself up to me, to allow me to finally say that we can go, to convince my fiance that I am not just going through a “thing.” 

It obviously never comes. 

This is the point where I say that I’ve had enough. That I will make these things happen  That my dreams will come true with enough hard work and dedication. 

But I know that they wont. I have done enough research to see that what I want to do is not feasible for both my fiance and I (or our dog). My fiance needs that sense of security. I more of need a backup plan in case it all falls a part when I get to my destination. I would be more than happy with cashing in my savings today and heading down to South America. If it didn’t work out, I could trust that my family or friends would help me out in my return. I would never be in danger of anything but bunking with my mom or dad for a couple of months. 

But I’m still here. I’ve given up a lot for the pipe dream of settling down. And now that it’s all in my reach, I dont think I want it. 

I know this is normal and that all mid-twenty-somethings go through a phase of wanderlust. But what if it never goes? What if I am not subdued by a once every other year or so trip to Europe? What if everything is always in question?  

R.I.P. My Musical Collection

An Obituary For My Collection of Music:

Michelle’s Musical Library passed away on December 17th, 2012 at 2am following a tragic accident involving a bathroom floor and a HP purple laptop. The Library resided in Chicago, IL; Elgin, IL; Elmhurst, IL; and Kankakee, IL. And while she occupied many homes, The Library fondly stated that “Anywhere Michelle’s ears are is my home.”

The Library worked at various versions of Michelle’s Itunes for the past 10 years. There, it stored many memorable and invaluable pieces including live recordings of band performances, original song demos, mixtapes from old boyfriends, and playlists from high school driving trips. The owner of the extensive Itunes collection notes that The Library’s job will never be replaced nor replicated as losing such important and irreplaceable collections can unfortunately not be duplicated.

The Library’s hobbies included randomly selecting Bon Jovi songs to play in  “Sleepy Time” mixes and constantly playing one of the 10 versions of Wilco’s “Hummingbird” whenever on shuffle. 

However, The Library’s life was not without controversy. After a year of harboring musical radicals such as Cher, Hannah Montana, and other light rock classics, the owner was able to eliminate the damage done. The Library was also known to imbued illegal downloaded music from the owner’s original version of the collection. The Library remained remorseful to her death.

The Library will be missed by Michelle, who remembers it as “one of the best, most random, and uplifting collections of music ever put on a computer.” She goes on to say that, “The Library watched over me as I slept, prepped for dates, hosted parties, planned Dance Dance playlists, and cried myself in heartbreak. Grief cannot be properly expressed in gb.” 

Random Friday: How To Make a Delicious Chocolate Milkshake

I am participating in the dietbet challenge starting tomorrow, but do me a favor: Watch this video and try this recipe. It looks just delicious.

There’s a whole collection “how to basics” on their channel that really gets me inspired in the kitchen. Too bad everything includes eggs though…

Go Your Own Way

I remember reading about this “challenge” a couple months ago. You take one photo every hour and post it to your stream (I used Instagram and Twitter). I thought it would be neat to look back at how my day unfolded for a regular Wednesday workday. Since WordPress is being an ass, you’ll have to visit my sights to see where I was all day. It’s riveting stuff, I tell ya.

Sigh.

It’s been a long couple of days. I’ll be honest and say that the gray cloud from the weekend is still hanging on. My nightmares have all been wedding dress related. Last night, I got ketchup on it. Like, Carrie style. And I HATE ketchup. The night before, I dreamt that I was stuck in an elevator and my dress kept getting cut up by the doors. I’m pretty sure that’s a metaphor. 

As I told my therapist last night, I am more of frustrated at myself. It would be one thing if I wasn’t doing anything to lose weight. If that was the situation, I would be more depressed. With this, I am just red hot mad. I am doing the right things and am seeing zero or negative responses. How can someone work out and eat relatively well for three months and end up gaining a pound?

Frustration station.

Out of that anger and frustration, I decided to join this dietbet. Basically, you put money in the pot that you can lose 4% of your body weight in 28 days. Being a bigger girl, that number is HUGE for me. Ok, not huge. But it’s a pretty hefty amount of weight to lose in less than a month. When I saw the number, I was like “No way.” But I’m pretty confident that I just need to kickstart myself in gear. And 28 days is long enough to do it. Wish me luck! I’d like to keep or earn some money!

Ok, I’m out of here. I’m going to try to shake off this miserable, no good feeling by hitting a yoga class. I’ve been pretty tight in the hips, so I’m hoping it will help. Plus, I heard from my favorite travel blog that the hips are where all of your pent up emotions are!

That Damn Wedding Dress

From what I hear, the stress of the “big wedding day” can give any bride nightmares. I’ve had a couple. Mainly, they involve thousands of people shooting bows and arrows at my head as I walk down the aisle or the cake being poison. Nothing too bad, and all totally relating to my unrelenting social anxiety.

But, there’s another. It’s not so much of a nightmare as it is a phobia/fear. WHAT THE F#$CK WILL I DO IF I CANT FIT IN MY G-DAMN DRESS?!?!

Forget my hair looking good. Screw people not coming. I couldn’t care less if food is even there. My dress scares the crap out of me. It’s like my worst enemy at this point. I dread seeing it, I dont want to talk about it, and it’s hidden in some dark (literal) closet.

I may have forgotten to mention that I bought that dress about… oh… 20lbs ago. That’s right. I gained 20lbs in less than a year. It’s as horrible as it sounds so feel free to judge me for it. 2012 was a bad year full of emotional eating and avoiding my gym shoes like the plague. The fact that I had gained 20lbs wasn’t lost on me leading up to this weekend. I knew going in that this would be a tight fit. I expected it to not exactly zip up either.

What I got was worse. So much so. My dress wasn’t even CLOSE to zipping. It got about half way up and was like “Screw this, bitch.” I tried to smile through this mini-fitting with my mom. I put on my new shoes and kept redirecting my her attention to them. But she couldn’t even keep in her fear and continually brought up the “What are you going to do if it doesn’t zip up?” question I’ve been avoiding.

See, it has to fit. I am not that girl. I’m not getting it taken out, nor am I changing it to a corset back. This dress will fit. And I will even go running if I have to. I tried to muster that determined spirit as I reassured my now panicking mother (who, three days later, is still bringing it up). But who am I kidding? This is a mess.

Oh god. This is some shit for therapy. I’ve had plenty of clothing not fit. But none of those are my wedding dress.

I know that I did this to myself. I had a full year to get myself together, but I didn’t. I was too busy focusing on my depression and literally feeding in to it. And now I am here: 8 months to go and I HAVE to lose at least 15lbs. I cant maintain anymore. This is getting desperate.

So, I’m making a plan:

• Drink at least 8 cups of water a day. No calories as beverages except for milk and the occasional glass of juice. Alcohol allowed on only special occasions
• 1200-1600 calories per day except for when I burn more than 600 calories working out.
• Carbs at lunch and breakfast only. Can move carbs to dinner, but I must have worked out that day. Pasta is only allowed twice a week.
• No eating past 8:30pm except when dining out or eating my one cheat food (popcorn).
• Popcorn has moved to a once a week treat to once every other week. Sorry fiance and dog.
• All food and calories burned via exercise shall be tracked daily. You can visit myfitness pal (I’m ohmybears48) to make sure I’m doing this.
•  Participate in #plankaday challenge. Post results on twitter for accountability.
• Workouts are as follows*:

Monday: 20-30 min run, 30 min. kickboxing, and 20 min core
Tuesday: 1 hour boot camp class (or 30 min elliptical and 30 min kettlebell)
Wednesday: 30 min weight lift sculpt, 30 min run
Thursday: 1 hour yoga
Friday: 30 min run
Saturday: 1 hour boot camp or cardio hour class
Sunday: 30 min cardio hour, 30 min power hour, 1 hour yoga (or 1 hour dance and 30 min run)

*I’m not crazy, nor a novice, so I wont be too anal about this schedule as long as I get the majority or the equivalent done.

I plan on trying on the dress again at Easter, so March 31st. If I have lost over 5lbs, I will reward myself by buying new earrings. If I have lost 10lbs, I will buy myself a massage. If I have lost more, I will buy myself a new work outfit. My second try on will be when I get a fitting done with a friend/seamstress probably in May or June. Same rewards apply.

Plan set? Plan sound good? Ok. Let’s go.

Treadmill Conversations With Myself

My internal conversation as I run intervals on the treadmill for 25 minutes:

Pre-starting of the treadmill: “Ok Michelle. You’ve got this. 25 minutes is NOTHING. You once ran a half marathon. You are a beast. Get it, girl!”

Starting of the treadmill: “But dont get too hard on yourself. You haven’t ran consistently in almost a year now…”

Min. 0-2 (warm up walk): “Nice and easy. This is good. Real good. See, no pain! Just take it easy. Nothing wrong with being slow.”

Min. 2-3 (3.5 mph): “This isn’t so bad! … God I love this M.I.A. song. I’m totally rocking it out like Mindy Project. Just because I am such a bad ass, I am going to up my incline. TAKE THAT HAMSTRING INJURY!”

Min. 3-5 (4.8 mph): “Lowering it. How am I only at the 3rd minute? I could have sworn that I have been on this damn thing for 10 minutes, at least. Ugh. Whatever. Just dont embarrass yourself. You’re only 3 minutes in and this skinny chick has been on her treadmill for over an hour.”

Min. 5-6 (3.5 mph): “How does one run on a treadmill for over an hour? Dont you have a life? If I looked like that, I would have such a life… Man, I’d be up in the club every night. Who am I kidding? I have no shame. I’d be dancing every night if I had someone to dance with.”

Min 6-8 (5.5 mph): “Wait! I have to run again! Noooooo. This girl is totally judging me for doing intervals and lowering my incline. Well, screw her. I’m doing my thing. And I could totally judge her for her ugly tshirt and annoying ponytail. Stupid, perky ponytails. Who wears them that high on their head?”

Min 8-9 (3.5 mph): “Why am I judging our women kind and a fellow ‘runner’? Jealousy is evil and fickle. I should use this time to be introspective and come up with ideas on where my life should be heading. What does my yoga teacher always say about that…”

Min 9-11 (5.8 mph): “Noooooooo! Back to running. Why am I going so fast? This is HELL. But at least I’m half way there. Half way to 25 minutes? F-that. I used to be able to run a half marathon! What the hell happened to me and my life?”

Min 11-12 (3.5 mph): “I believe he said something about appreciating the moments you have now while planting yourself where you want to be later. What a beautiful thought.”

Min 12-14 (6.0 mph): “I hate life. I hate life so much. My job sucks. My body sucks. My family sucks. My fiance sucks. This treadmill sucks. Ponytail girl sucks. Sweaty man lifting next to me sucks. This apartment sucks. My dog sucks (no she doesn’t). My headphone sucks. My ipad sucks. This Ellen episode sucks.”

Min 14-15 (3.5 mph): “Really? Where do I want to go with my life in 5 years? I should make a manifesto or a five year plan or something. I’ve been a wanderer with no mission for so long. Maybe it would help to actually sit down and hash it out? I’ll make a note to bring this up with my therapist on Wednesday.”

Min 15-17 (6.5 mph): “Oh SHUT UP! Why do I pretend to be so hippy-dippy about this shit? Man. It’s just life. GET OVER IT MICHELLE. YOUR WORLD ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE. YOU’RE NORMAL!!!”

Min 17-18 (3.5 mph): “Yay! Almost done!”

Min 18-20 (6.8 mph): “HOW DO I HAVE FIVE MINUTES LEFT AND WHY AM I TALKING IN ALL CAPS?!?!”

Min 20-21 (3.5 mph): “Suki Zuki/ I’m coming in the Cherokee gasoline/ There’s steam on the window screen…”

Min 21-23 (7.0 mph): “I cant do this… I cant. do. this. Longest. 30. Seconds. Of. My. Life. I. cant. do. this.”

Min 24-25 (3.5 mph): “I DID IT MOTHER FRACKERS! In your face, injury! Suck it, ponytail girl! Take that, stupid treadmill!”

Min 25-29 (cool down): “Oh god! I hurt so much!”

Q. How Many Calories Can I Burn While Dropping It Like It’s Hot?

A. 700 per hour. At least, according to my heart rate monitor at last night’s Dance Dance Party Party session. But a note on that… when I dance, I go ALL out. I cant dance at all and I get nervous in crowds. But something about being in the dark with a limited amount of space makes me go all Footloose.

Speaking of which, have we seen this. I love this woman. I want to be her. I hope my future daughters become her (or at least get her dance moves because I couldn’t dance like this girl if I went to DDPP every night for five years):

She reminds me of my favorite dance project EVER: Girl Talk’s film All Day where three professional dancers go through the Girl Talk album while dancing dancing in New York. It’s a pretty awesome love story.

All of these lady dancers! Man. It’s a theme. I should have become a dancer. Oh wait, no I shouldn’t. I cant dance, unless your version of dancing is flailing while awkwardly moving feet. My dance moves are a combo of hippy chick, stoner dance moves mixed with poorly executed SNL parodies of “Single Ladies.” It’s that bad.

But at least I burn a ton of calories doing it!

And my wedding is going to be awesome in terms of dancing. While I am an introvert, I am promising myself that I will UNLEASH at my wedding. My dress is PUURFECT  for the dance floor, and I bought a pair of some kick ass gold, sparkling shoes this weekend that will complete my disco Goddess look perfectly. Dance floor = mine to own.

Here are my shoes, btw. Big props to the fiance for spotting them at a busy Macy’s department store. Also, for letting me get them even though it was totally not in the plans to purchase my shoes. Their so sparkly, it’s obnoxious. And if I am going to throw a big wedding as a person with sometimes crippling and diagnosed social anxiety, I best be the most obnoxious person there.

In other news from the weekend: I registered for one class on Saturday. Yes, one class. Apparently I need a statistics course to become a social worker. Luckily, it’s online so I can look confused and dumbfounded in the privacy of my own home. (who am I kidding… my fiance and dog will both judge me still.)

I also burned an additional 700 calories from boot camp and attempting to teach fiance some basic yoga moves. Both were hell. Just kidding. Boot camp wasn’t that hard. <sarcasm>

 

365-ish Days In The Library

I’ve been dawdling on this post. Every year, I feel like I write out this long “resolution list” that goes nowhere. Like so many, I start each year optimistic and slowly fade in to cynicism by June. The only time I was truly successful in keeping a resolution was in 2011 when I ran a half marathon and lost 30lbs.

And then gained it all back (plus some) in 2012.

However, this year will be different. Not because I’ve got some grand plan or some rad organization system going. No, this year will be different because it has to be. 2013 (or, if you read the Bloggess, The Library) is the year I get married. If that isn’t a change, I dont know what is!

Interrupting, Mental Voice: Actually, it isn’t much of a change, Michelle. You already live with your fiance and share about 80% of your finances. Besides the legality, what will be different. 

Ok, that b$tch of a mental voice has a point. What will be different? I wake up every morning to this fantastic, supportive being at my side. He’s not going anywhere soon. Nor am I. It’s been like this for three years.

So, maybe it’s the wedding that will force my life to change. I’m not one of those brides who thinks their wedding deserves more than the day. But as the time gets closer to solidify my bridal party, send out invitations, and wade through food choices, I find myself more and more overwhelmed with what involves in coordinating essentially four large family reunions and a ceremony in one location. There’s a lot of emotion there, especially since my little sister has gone first and I have something to compare/compete with (middle child syndrome). It’s going to take a lot of emotional strength to get through this.

Resolution #1: Get through wedding planning.
How I’m going to do it: YOGA (once a week), dancing (whenever I feel like it), and managing my finances.
Pay off: If we can manage to save thousands upon thousands upon thousands (and some more thousands…) while thriving mentally, I know my marriage will be well worth it.

Of course I want to lose weight for the wedding. Who hasn’t? I’m not happy with where I am. Not even close. I look in that mirror and think “WHAT HAPPENED?” Just two years ago, I proved that I could do this. It took a lot of work, some in which I am not willing to put in to save myself mentally, but I did it.

Resolution #2: Feel beautiful on September 28th, 2013
How I’m going to do it: Checking in on myfitnesspal.com, utilizing my gym membership 4 times a week, and visiting the treadmills.
Pay off: I ran today (alone) for the first time in about three months. It felt great! Ok, no it didn’t. It felt like I was a slow, flying brick about to hit the ground at any moment. But I did it. And it forced me to write this blog. There’s that.

Not wedding related, but something that will happen right around wedding time is that I am hoping to start work towards my MSW (master of social work) so that I can be a LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) in CF practices (children and family). God, I love acronyms. Just ten minutes ago, I finished applying to one program here in the city and I plan on starting application number 2 later this week.

I am confident that working in social work is a field that I would be successful in. After speaking with my therapist, people in the field currently, and with my support group of awesomeness (SGoA), I believe that I can manage this. I would like to work full time while going to the program of my choice, but I’d also consider going full time if I could find a near full time assistantship position.

Resolution #3: Change of careers
How I’m going to do it: Start a new academic program OR find a new job. ASAP. It’s not like I dont already spend about 4 hours a day on job search websites anyways…
The payoff: I certainly dont expect more money. In fact, I am pretty sure I’ll make right around what I’m getting now. But I’d rather make a difference than feel like I’m working my ass off towards nothing. I love my students and profession, but I just haven’t gotten that “you’re doing some good in the world” feeling from it. The ultimate self satisfaction is well deserved self-righteousness.

Ok. I’m off to ice my legs, write some “please recommend me even though you haven’t seen me in four years” emails, and look up cake toppers! What are you doing in the year of the library?