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So much to say…

21 Feb

… and no motivation to do it.

It took me about 5 minutes to fully write that sentence, btw.

Anyways, facing/faced some fears this week.

First, and most importantly, I am dealing with my flight or fight instinct. My natural tendency has always been and most likely always will be to flee. I dont necessarily think of this as bad, though many of you will disagree.

I’m not going to sugarcoat things. My job is BAD. I am an ambitious, persistent worker with a ton of experience and drive for my field. Yet, the current position I am in is not letting me take a command over my profession (i.e. doing admissions and academic advising for a master’s program). While my peers in similar departments as mine receive job promotions, better titles, and actual responsibilities, I am left feeling like a secretary who is constantly being looked over. Yet, my performance reviews and my loyalty to the school I work for show that I am capable of so much more.

So I apply. But as many of you know, this is a world of “nos” these days, especially to people in my situation: Bachelor’s degree in another field (in my case teaching), 3+ years of experience, yet working a job way under my performance and skill level. No one wants to hire someone who looks like they’ve been doing nothing but filing paperwork or drafting meeting minutes.

I’ve become a LinkedIn junkie over the last year. I join women’s networking groups and am constantly updating my resume on other career sites. All the while, I am diligently searching for just one break in a pile of positions either above or below me.

But my heart isn’t in it. After two years of actively trying to get out of what I am doing, I am exhausted. I recognize that I am blessed to have a full time job as flexible as mine. Yet, all I can think of is the travel I should be doing now, the people I should be meeting, the life I should be pushing aside for just some kind of adventure. 

This weekend, I was faced with the choice of staying longer and continuing to build my life here, or to leave immediately and pay for the consequences later. There were bigger, more personal, factors at play, but I ultimately chose the first.

Why? Well, I have to believe that good things are coming. Forget that I get hives thinking about how much our wedding is costing or that I essentially owe the IRS $5k this year in taxes. Let’s even push aside the fact that my job has made me a lump of an Office Space character who is constantly checking the time while filing papers.

There has to be something good coming. 

It’s around this corner. Whether it takes me a week or 7 months to get there, my “good” is coming. And I’ll keep working on it. If the wedding hits and I’m in the same mental and physical space, we can make the ultimate decision then. But right now, I am staying put for the long haul.

The second fear I’ve been facing is my weight. Seriously. When have I not been afraid of the number on the scale or the jeans that do not fit? But this year, it’s become real. I have a $600 wedding dress that does not fit. If that doesn’t make it tangible, then I dont know what would.

So, I’ve been doing this dietbet. 28 days to lose 4% of my body weight. Tuesday was my day. And I did it. 

I lost 8lbs. 8lbs! How amazing is that? Really, money will make me do anything, including giving up pasta and bagels.

But as soon as the bet was done, I was celebrating with my comfort foods, telling myself that I would get back to it all tomorrow. I wont. 

There has to be something good coming.

Another dietbet it is. This one starts March 1st-29th. This is the one I’m doing, in case you’re curious.  It’s a $20 bet to get in. Since I made $44 off of the last one, I just used $20 of that. As my weight stands in from this morning, I will need to lose 7.6lbs. That means, that on March 29th, I will need to weigh in at 1x3lbs. I haven’t seen that number in over a year.

Fear is a big motivator. Maybe bigger or more significant than money. My plan of action for this dietbet is to scare the shit out of myself by taking advantage of my gym’s free, monthly bodymetric measuring. I’m doing this for the first time, but I’m assuming I’ll get weighed in and professionally measured. And then scolded for being so, gosh darn overweight. Let it come. I am ready. I’ll use whatever we throw at me as fire. And I’ll hit that 1x3lb mark as easily as I hit my current weight.

This was a hard post to write. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been stuck in my depression block for awhile now. It’s taking a lot to get out. But I am. I’m crawling towards spring time a little lighter, a lot more grounded. I’ll get out.

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7.5 Inches

13 Feb

Get your head out of the gutter. Perv. 

Last time I checked in on the State of My Weight Address (see what I did there?), I weighed in at 1×1.4 during week 2 of my Dietbet. I was right on track at around 54% to the 4% in 4 weeks goal. And I was thrilled! 

So, did I do it this week?

Ellipse Ellipse Ellipse

BAM. 1×9.4. Down two pounds. And weighing in at 76% of my way to goal. In total, I have lost about 6.2lbs this month! I still need to lose about 1.6lbs to make my final 4% and my last weigh in is on the 18th or 19th which gives me a couple extra days to get it in. If I dont make it, I’ve got some other successes to celebrate:

1. I’ve lost 6lbs, which is the size of a bigger sack of potatoes. Image 2. I’ve been able to consistently run 2 miles on the treadmill with minimum discomfort. As soon as I can afford it, I’m buying new, better fitted shoes though. I would love to run outside but with my shin splints issues (and yes, I am running slower and using compression socks), I cant see myself doing that until the shoe issue is fixed.

3. Another NSV: I measured myself today. Bad news: I didn’t lose a bit from my arms. GOOD NEWS: I LOST 7.5 INCHES FROM THE REST OF MY BODY. Most of it was in my hips where I lose the fastest and first. I did lose an inch and a half from my waist and an inch from my chest.

Image

Kid’s parents hated him.

 4. Pants are finally fitting without them being too uncomfortable. My jeans are still an issue, but my work slacks are feeling good and even a bit loose! 

Now, I just need to get through this week with a positive and optimistic outlook. If I dont hit my goal, I’ll still have all of these great victories under my now looser belt. 

 

[Former] Queen of the Veggie Haters

5 Feb

Oh dear, it looks like I haven’t posted in a couple of days since the squash ordeal. Obviously, it has scarred me for life. Funny additional story to add: On Saturday, I went out to eat at a pretty popular chain restaurant for my mom’s birthday. I get many of my food selective behaviors from her, so I found it hysterical that she ordered her birthday steak with a side of, you guessed it, spaghetti squash. And I sh#t you not, she actually enjoyed it. I refused to even look at it.

I did, however, manage to stay pretty healthy while out to eat for the first time since starting my diet bet. I wanted to stay lower on carbs, so I ordered the petite filet with asparagus and tortilla chips instead of mashed potatoes and another startchy side. And yes, you read that right. I, Queen of the Veggie Haters, ate and enjoyed an entire side order of asparagus.

Oh, and I ate broccoli last night. Score two for my pushy parents, fiance, and health teachers who have had to deal with 25 years of vegetable aversions.

Anyways, life changing food habits aside, I also managed to weigh-in this week for my dietbet. This is weigh in 2 of 4 so pressure was riding on me to get to 2% body weight lost (or 50% to goal). Earlier in the week I had built up some major confidence going in to Saturday morning’s truth session. I had hit a big number that I hadn’t seen in months. But life got in the way. I ended up taking rest days on Wednesday and Friday. And my eating wasn’t necessarily the greatest either.

Did I hit my 50% to goal mark?

….

….

….

… (am I not just the most annoying poster ever?)…

YES! I did. My official weigh in is at 1×1.4. That means that I am ahead of schedule at 59% till goal. Since starting Dietbet, I’ve lost 4.6lbs. I’m about .4lbs off from hitting my first weight loss goal prize of a new pair of earrings! HEY-O.

The bad news is that I have to still lose about 3.2lbs in two weeks to hit my goal. Totally doable, right? Well, I have some womanly things that may interrupt just in time for the final, only official weigh-in. But then again, even if I lose 5lbs from this, I will be ECSTATIC  I have been stuck yo-yoing between 1×3.5 and 1×5.5 for three months now, so I am more than happy to be solidly away from those numbers.

So, what did I do to lose 2lbs in one week? Here’s my weekly wrap up:

  • Sunday: 2 mile treadmill run
  • Monday: Kickboxing and core class
  • Tuesday: 5am Boot camp
  • Wednesday: Rest day (but pulled out at 2 min 30 second plank)
  • Thursday: Hour of vinyasa yoga, 30 minute incline walk, free weights class
  • Friday: Rest day
  • Saturday: Body burn

Eating wise, besides the spaghetti squash, fiance and I have been pushing out the clean eating meals and have managed to limit our pasta intake to once a week.

Anyways, I’ll post something more significant later on this week. Until then, eat yo’ veggies.

Things I Dont Like: Spaghetti Squash

30 Jan

Ya know, I try to be all healthy and active 24/7. And even though I have some major food aversions (ask my family about green beans), I do try to cook new recipes and give food at least a fighting chance to impress me. It’s no surprise that with this Paleo and Gluten Free craze hitting dieters that I would eventually stumble upon the miracle food that is [allegedly] spaghetti squash.

I got excited for it. I pre-wrote a blog on how it changed my life, and that I was giving up my carb-loaded Italian ways. I pinned at least four recipes. I proudly tracked it before I ate it. I spoke about it with my coworker (who swore it was amazing…). I WAS READY.

And then I ate it.

Ohmygod I hate all of you. What BS you have sold me, internet world (+ coworker)! Sure, it looks like ramen noodles. But all I tasted was a “pasta” bowl of lies.

This is what I get for expecting too much of my vegetables. You think I would have learned my lesson when I tried the ever popular recipe for cauliflower “popcorn.” But no, I fall in to the “let’s make veggies taste like actual food” agenda. and I end up getting brokenhearted when my 3lb squash still tastes like 3lbs of softer squash.

LIES! (picture from: http://steamykitchen.com)

I will never forget this kitchen tragedy (probably because there was like 3lbs of leftovers and I am still finding little strands of squash on my dog’s paws).

Go Your Own Way

17 Jan

I remember reading about this “challenge” a couple months ago. You take one photo every hour and post it to your stream (I used Instagram and Twitter). I thought it would be neat to look back at how my day unfolded for a regular Wednesday workday. Since WordPress is being an ass, you’ll have to visit my sights to see where I was all day. It’s riveting stuff, I tell ya.

Sigh.

It’s been a long couple of days. I’ll be honest and say that the gray cloud from the weekend is still hanging on. My nightmares have all been wedding dress related. Last night, I got ketchup on it. Like, Carrie style. And I HATE ketchup. The night before, I dreamt that I was stuck in an elevator and my dress kept getting cut up by the doors. I’m pretty sure that’s a metaphor. 

As I told my therapist last night, I am more of frustrated at myself. It would be one thing if I wasn’t doing anything to lose weight. If that was the situation, I would be more depressed. With this, I am just red hot mad. I am doing the right things and am seeing zero or negative responses. How can someone work out and eat relatively well for three months and end up gaining a pound?

Frustration station.

Out of that anger and frustration, I decided to join this dietbet. Basically, you put money in the pot that you can lose 4% of your body weight in 28 days. Being a bigger girl, that number is HUGE for me. Ok, not huge. But it’s a pretty hefty amount of weight to lose in less than a month. When I saw the number, I was like “No way.” But I’m pretty confident that I just need to kickstart myself in gear. And 28 days is long enough to do it. Wish me luck! I’d like to keep or earn some money!

Ok, I’m out of here. I’m going to try to shake off this miserable, no good feeling by hitting a yoga class. I’ve been pretty tight in the hips, so I’m hoping it will help. Plus, I heard from my favorite travel blog that the hips are where all of your pent up emotions are!

That Damn Wedding Dress

15 Jan

From what I hear, the stress of the “big wedding day” can give any bride nightmares. I’ve had a couple. Mainly, they involve thousands of people shooting bows and arrows at my head as I walk down the aisle or the cake being poison. Nothing too bad, and all totally relating to my unrelenting social anxiety.

But, there’s another. It’s not so much of a nightmare as it is a phobia/fear. WHAT THE F#$CK WILL I DO IF I CANT FIT IN MY G-DAMN DRESS?!?!

Forget my hair looking good. Screw people not coming. I couldn’t care less if food is even there. My dress scares the crap out of me. It’s like my worst enemy at this point. I dread seeing it, I dont want to talk about it, and it’s hidden in some dark (literal) closet.

I may have forgotten to mention that I bought that dress about… oh… 20lbs ago. That’s right. I gained 20lbs in less than a year. It’s as horrible as it sounds so feel free to judge me for it. 2012 was a bad year full of emotional eating and avoiding my gym shoes like the plague. The fact that I had gained 20lbs wasn’t lost on me leading up to this weekend. I knew going in that this would be a tight fit. I expected it to not exactly zip up either.

What I got was worse. So much so. My dress wasn’t even CLOSE to zipping. It got about half way up and was like “Screw this, bitch.” I tried to smile through this mini-fitting with my mom. I put on my new shoes and kept redirecting my her attention to them. But she couldn’t even keep in her fear and continually brought up the “What are you going to do if it doesn’t zip up?” question I’ve been avoiding.

See, it has to fit. I am not that girl. I’m not getting it taken out, nor am I changing it to a corset back. This dress will fit. And I will even go running if I have to. I tried to muster that determined spirit as I reassured my now panicking mother (who, three days later, is still bringing it up). But who am I kidding? This is a mess.

Oh god. This is some shit for therapy. I’ve had plenty of clothing not fit. But none of those are my wedding dress.

I know that I did this to myself. I had a full year to get myself together, but I didn’t. I was too busy focusing on my depression and literally feeding in to it. And now I am here: 8 months to go and I HAVE to lose at least 15lbs. I cant maintain anymore. This is getting desperate.

So, I’m making a plan:

  • Drink at least 8 cups of water a day. No calories as beverages except for milk and the occasional glass of juice. Alcohol allowed on only special occasions
  • 1200-1600 calories per day except for when I burn more than 600 calories working out.
  • Carbs at lunch and breakfast only. Can move carbs to dinner, but I must have worked out that day. Pasta is only allowed twice a week.
  • No eating past 8:30pm except when dining out or eating my one cheat food (popcorn).
  • Popcorn has moved to a once a week treat to once every other week. Sorry fiance and dog.
  • All food and calories burned via exercise shall be tracked daily. You can visit myfitness pal (I’m ohmybears48) to make sure I’m doing this.
  •  Participate in #plankaday challenge. Post results on twitter for accountability.
  • Workouts are as follows*:

Monday: 20-30 min run, 30 min. kickboxing, and 20 min core
Tuesday: 1 hour boot camp class (or 30 min elliptical and 30 min kettlebell)
Wednesday: 30 min weight lift sculpt, 30 min run
Thursday: 1 hour yoga
Friday: 30 min run
Saturday: 1 hour boot camp or cardio hour class
Sunday: 30 min cardio hour, 30 min power hour, 1 hour yoga (or 1 hour dance and 30 min run)

*I’m not crazy, nor a novice, so I wont be too anal about this schedule as long as I get the majority or the equivalent done.

I plan on trying on the dress again at Easter, so March 31st. If I have lost over 5lbs, I will reward myself by buying new earrings. If I have lost 10lbs, I will buy myself a massage. If I have lost more, I will buy myself a new work outfit. My second try on will be when I get a fitting done with a friend/seamstress probably in May or June. Same rewards apply.

Plan set? Plan sound good? Ok. Let’s go.

Treadmill Conversations With Myself

11 Jan

My internal conversation as I run intervals on the treadmill for 25 minutes:

Pre-starting of the treadmill: “Ok Michelle. You’ve got this. 25 minutes is NOTHING. You once ran a half marathon. You are a beast. Get it, girl!”

Starting of the treadmill: “But dont get too hard on yourself. You haven’t ran consistently in almost a year now…”

Min. 0-2 (warm up walk): “Nice and easy. This is good. Real good. See, no pain! Just take it easy. Nothing wrong with being slow.”

Min. 2-3 (3.5 mph): “This isn’t so bad! … God I love this M.I.A. song. I’m totally rocking it out like Mindy Project. Just because I am such a bad ass, I am going to up my incline. TAKE THAT HAMSTRING INJURY!”

Min. 3-5 (4.8 mph): “Lowering it. How am I only at the 3rd minute? I could have sworn that I have been on this damn thing for 10 minutes, at least. Ugh. Whatever. Just dont embarrass yourself. You’re only 3 minutes in and this skinny chick has been on her treadmill for over an hour.”

Min. 5-6 (3.5 mph): “How does one run on a treadmill for over an hour? Dont you have a life? If I looked like that, I would have such a life… Man, I’d be up in the club every night. Who am I kidding? I have no shame. I’d be dancing every night if I had someone to dance with.”

Min 6-8 (5.5 mph): “Wait! I have to run again! Noooooo. This girl is totally judging me for doing intervals and lowering my incline. Well, screw her. I’m doing my thing. And I could totally judge her for her ugly tshirt and annoying ponytail. Stupid, perky ponytails. Who wears them that high on their head?”

Min 8-9 (3.5 mph): “Why am I judging our women kind and a fellow ‘runner’? Jealousy is evil and fickle. I should use this time to be introspective and come up with ideas on where my life should be heading. What does my yoga teacher always say about that…”

Min 9-11 (5.8 mph): “Noooooooo! Back to running. Why am I going so fast? This is HELL. But at least I’m half way there. Half way to 25 minutes? F-that. I used to be able to run a half marathon! What the hell happened to me and my life?”

Min 11-12 (3.5 mph): “I believe he said something about appreciating the moments you have now while planting yourself where you want to be later. What a beautiful thought.”

Min 12-14 (6.0 mph): “I hate life. I hate life so much. My job sucks. My body sucks. My family sucks. My fiance sucks. This treadmill sucks. Ponytail girl sucks. Sweaty man lifting next to me sucks. This apartment sucks. My dog sucks (no she doesn’t). My headphone sucks. My ipad sucks. This Ellen episode sucks.”

Min 14-15 (3.5 mph): “Really? Where do I want to go with my life in 5 years? I should make a manifesto or a five year plan or something. I’ve been a wanderer with no mission for so long. Maybe it would help to actually sit down and hash it out? I’ll make a note to bring this up with my therapist on Wednesday.”

Min 15-17 (6.5 mph): “Oh SHUT UP! Why do I pretend to be so hippy-dippy about this shit? Man. It’s just life. GET OVER IT MICHELLE. YOUR WORLD ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE. YOU’RE NORMAL!!!”

Min 17-18 (3.5 mph): “Yay! Almost done!”

Min 18-20 (6.8 mph): “HOW DO I HAVE FIVE MINUTES LEFT AND WHY AM I TALKING IN ALL CAPS?!?!”

Min 20-21 (3.5 mph): “Suki Zuki/ I’m coming in the Cherokee gasoline/ There’s steam on the window screen…”

Min 21-23 (7.0 mph): “I cant do this… I cant. do. this. Longest. 30. Seconds. Of. My. Life. I. cant. do. this.”

Min 24-25 (3.5 mph): “I DID IT MOTHER FRACKERS! In your face, injury! Suck it, ponytail girl! Take that, stupid treadmill!”

Min 25-29 (cool down): “Oh god! I hurt so much!”