Always In Question

23 Jan

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I’m not going to lie. I am getting restless, bored, and irritated with life in general. While minor, I haven’t been able to catch a break in the general gloom and doom. And like I’ve mentioned before, that little gray cloud is following me. 

It could be the weather. Sure. I work in an underground office without windows or outside facing doors. I’m constantly bathed by lighting that graces morgues and basements. Being put in a shared office roughly the size of a bathroom contributes to the general anxiety associated with claustrophobia.

But I dont think that’s it.

For the last two years, I have been scratching at something. Unhappy with my current career and resolved that I will most likely never be able to go back to teaching, I have been applying to random positions sporadically. Sometimes I get the motivation and apply to 10-20 per day. And it wears me down enough so that I spend an equal amount of time not applying to any. 

I’m either resolved that I will be staying where I am my entire life, or I am resolved that I can make the change in my life. On one hand, I make a decent salary at a job that many people are fighting tooth and nail to get in to. I have a respectable home life with minimal drama attached. Staying in Chicago forever seems like the obvious choice. After all, I am getting married in about 8 months. Why shouldn’t I just put down those roots, purchase that home, write down a five year plan, get the master’s, etc.? Isn’t that what most 25/26 year olds do? 

But then I think about it long and hard. I’ve never been the girl who has dreamed of purchasing homes, being a stay-at-home mom (no offense to those that are), or spending my life working at an office with no windows and doors for 40 hours a week. No, my plan was always to do chase after something bigger and brighter. 

I get it in to my head that I can do that. That my fiance and dog will follow behind me, in line, without question. And to an extent, they probably would. I make plans. I research airline policies on transporting small dogs. I look in to telecommuting. I read blogs about “digital nomads” and house sitting opportunities. I get inspired some more. I tell myself that in one years time, I will be there (wherever the dream location may be … Argentina, for today). 

And I break those promises. 

Every time I get these itches for something more than normalcy, I sit here waiting for that opportunity that will make a it a reality. It’s always an issue of the how and never the when. (no one asks me why, which may be a more important question down the road). I wait and wait for some big career move to open itself up to me, to allow me to finally say that we can go, to convince my fiance that I am not just going through a “thing.” 

It obviously never comes. 

This is the point where I say that I’ve had enough. That I will make these things happen  That my dreams will come true with enough hard work and dedication. 

But I know that they wont. I have done enough research to see that what I want to do is not feasible for both my fiance and I (or our dog). My fiance needs that sense of security. I more of need a backup plan in case it all falls a part when I get to my destination. I would be more than happy with cashing in my savings today and heading down to South America. If it didn’t work out, I could trust that my family or friends would help me out in my return. I would never be in danger of anything but bunking with my mom or dad for a couple of months. 

But I’m still here. I’ve given up a lot for the pipe dream of settling down. And now that it’s all in my reach, I dont think I want it. 

I know this is normal and that all mid-twenty-somethings go through a phase of wanderlust. But what if it never goes? What if I am not subdued by a once every other year or so trip to Europe? What if everything is always in question?  


One Response to “Always In Question”

  1. Mary January 24, 2013 at 2:00 am #

    I’m settled– J and I have a house and I’m in this graduate program for another 3 years– and I still send out applications to random jobs sometimes, just because I feel the need to shake things up? I’ve never actually gotten a call back or an interview to be a primate handler at the zoo or a marine biologist assistant, but I guess that’s for the best? I have no idea what the answer is to the mid-twenties wanderlust. (p.s. this is bagel bites.)

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