Treadmill Conversations With Myself

11 Jan

My internal conversation as I run intervals on the treadmill for 25 minutes:

Pre-starting of the treadmill: “Ok Michelle. You’ve got this. 25 minutes is NOTHING. You once ran a half marathon. You are a beast. Get it, girl!”

Starting of the treadmill: “But dont get too hard on yourself. You haven’t ran consistently in almost a year now…”

Min. 0-2 (warm up walk): “Nice and easy. This is good. Real good. See, no pain! Just take it easy. Nothing wrong with being slow.”

Min. 2-3 (3.5 mph): “This isn’t so bad! … God I love this M.I.A. song. I’m totally rocking it out like Mindy Project. Just because I am such a bad ass, I am going to up my incline. TAKE THAT HAMSTRING INJURY!”

Min. 3-5 (4.8 mph): “Lowering it. How am I only at the 3rd minute? I could have sworn that I have been on this damn thing for 10 minutes, at least. Ugh. Whatever. Just dont embarrass yourself. You’re only 3 minutes in and this skinny chick has been on her treadmill for over an hour.”

Min. 5-6 (3.5 mph): “How does one run on a treadmill for over an hour? Dont you have a life? If I looked like that, I would have such a life… Man, I’d be up in the club every night. Who am I kidding? I have no shame. I’d be dancing every night if I had someone to dance with.”

Min 6-8 (5.5 mph): “Wait! I have to run again! Noooooo. This girl is totally judging me for doing intervals and lowering my incline. Well, screw her. I’m doing my thing. And I could totally judge her for her ugly tshirt and annoying ponytail. Stupid, perky ponytails. Who wears them that high on their head?”

Min 8-9 (3.5 mph): “Why am I judging our women kind and a fellow ‘runner’? Jealousy is evil and fickle. I should use this time to be introspective and come up with ideas on where my life should be heading. What does my yoga teacher always say about that…”

Min 9-11 (5.8 mph): “Noooooooo! Back to running. Why am I going so fast? This is HELL. But at least I’m half way there. Half way to 25 minutes? F-that. I used to be able to run a half marathon! What the hell happened to me and my life?”

Min 11-12 (3.5 mph): “I believe he said something about appreciating the moments you have now while planting yourself where you want to be later. What a beautiful thought.”

Min 12-14 (6.0 mph): “I hate life. I hate life so much. My job sucks. My body sucks. My family sucks. My fiance sucks. This treadmill sucks. Ponytail girl sucks. Sweaty man lifting next to me sucks. This apartment sucks. My dog sucks (no she doesn’t). My headphone sucks. My ipad sucks. This Ellen episode sucks.”

Min 14-15 (3.5 mph): “Really? Where do I want to go with my life in 5 years? I should make a manifesto or a five year plan or something. I’ve been a wanderer with no mission for so long. Maybe it would help to actually sit down and hash it out? I’ll make a note to bring this up with my therapist on Wednesday.”

Min 15-17 (6.5 mph): “Oh SHUT UP! Why do I pretend to be so hippy-dippy about this shit? Man. It’s just life. GET OVER IT MICHELLE. YOUR WORLD ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE. YOU’RE NORMAL!!!”

Min 17-18 (3.5 mph): “Yay! Almost done!”


Min 20-21 (3.5 mph): “Suki Zuki/ I’m coming in the Cherokee gasoline/ There’s steam on the window screen…”

Min 21-23 (7.0 mph): “I cant do this… I cant. do. this. Longest. 30. Seconds. Of. My. Life. I. cant. do. this.”

Min 24-25 (3.5 mph): “I DID IT MOTHER FRACKERS! In your face, injury! Suck it, ponytail girl! Take that, stupid treadmill!”

Min 25-29 (cool down): “Oh god! I hurt so much!”


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