An Engaged Girl’s View On Guidos

30 Dec

I dont go out much. That really shouldn’t surprise anyone. But even with my little interaction without the outside world, I still have managed to pick up informal, yet important knowledge regarding the strange, yet fascinating species of “guidos.” Last night, I was excited to impart my experience and observations to my friends as we ventured out to a suburban dance hall.

Now, I feel that it is time to make my findings public.

1. The first, most common question I get is “What is a Guido?” Guido, a name common in Italy, has become a derogatory slang term for a man (and sometimes a woman) who dresses and acts as a sleazy, corny, overcompensating snake charmer with two goals: be alpha and score the ladies. His caveman like behaviors leads to him attracting fleeting attention using perfumes, hair gel, tight clothing, and flashing of money.

However, these men, as noted, are mostly overcompensating for a lack of… well, fill in the blank. Not necessarily member size. Height is a common issue for males. Using more attention seeking items make them, perceivably, “stand out” amongst the pack.

2. “How do I spot a guido?” First, where are you? Is there alcohol or a large gathering of intoxicated females? Bars, night clubs, parties, and airport lounges all provide the alcohol, flattering dark (or disco) light, and ample prey to unleash on. On a more rare occasion, this species of male can frequent gyms (scantily clad women on workout endorphins and areas to show off “guns”) or car show (display of misplaced wealth). Those that keep the guido lifestyle 24/7 are referred as “day walkers” and are the more rarer of species considering daylight is typically unflattering to their fashion choices.

3. Speaking of which, what do guidos wear? Easy. Is it tight? Is it patterned in a flashy way (double points for men wearing sequence or blinged crosses)? Does his shoes lack laces or are equally shiny or shimmery as his attire? Can you smell his “musk” from over 100 yards away? If he resembles any cast member of The Jersey Shore, Surreal Life, Celebrity Rehab, or any documentary on gypsies, he most likely is a guido.

4. Subspecies:
a. The Suited Guido- See Barney of How I Met Your Mother. Just as the name suggests, this man prefers to intimidate his competitors through a somewhat questionable, fashionable show of wealth. Dont be fooled. The suit is often ornate, low in quality, and used to hide a more slender physique.

b. The Tattoo’d Guido- The more preferable of the species. These “bad boys” at least have the decency to decorate their arms with tribal tattoos to distract their mates.

c. The Taken Guido- Once in a somewhat serious relationship, these guidos are in constant contact with their female partner. This shows skill, determination, and persistence on the part of the courted man. However, it also means an inability to dial down the sleazy sexuality which is heightened to show off dominance to prowling guidos.

d. The Hipster Guido- A rare find outside of the city, this man mixes suits and tight pants with large frame glasses and replaces shots with PBR. However, the objective, immense amount of manufactured musk, and hair gel remains the same.

e. The Over 40 Guido (Taken or Single)- Overcompensating for age and seeking to prowl on club going females, this elder guido does not make up in smarts for what he has in age. Depending on if he still lives at home, his clothing is most likely 10 years behind, featuring more tibal patterns, and prefers zimas. Taken Over 40s usually are under the influence of a wife or girlfriend who frequents seedy bars or nightclubs.

f. The Savable Guido- An occasional or rare show of guido tendencies, this man mistakenly experiments in guido lifestyles in hopes of scoring more females in a shorter amount of time. Most abandon his attempts after realizing that the guido relationship is fleeting and results in mass amounts of domestic violence or jagger shots.

Obviously there are more subspecies, but what should be emphasized is that guidos come in all shapes, sizes, creeds, and colors. Just because a man is not of Eastern European descent does not mean he is or isn’t a guido. Given the popularity of men like “The Situation” and our admiration of extravagant, gaudy lifestyles, the guido culture has boomed in the last 5 years making it impossible to frequent a bar without running into at least one subspecies.

What can you do? Well, if you are male, you can stop. Analyze your life and fashion choices and seek validation from other, more respectible sports. For women, be safe at bars. Inform your friends if you are willing to date a savable subspecies in advance. This will limit your contact with undesirables. If not willing to deal with any guido, watch your alcohol intake as to not fall prey to a man with the ability to afford multiple shots in tubes.

The only way we can fight this infestation of guido lifestyles is to encourage positive dating role models. Encouraging the dress or culture only pushes the savable man in to guido world further and limits a single woman’s choices.

Thank you for your time.

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