Generic Thanksgiving Post

23 Nov

Tis the season to give thanks for the wonderful people in my life and the amazingly supportive family I have. Since that post would be seriously lame and an eyesore for all those who stumble on this… I am going to go the snarky route:

10. A job where I can facebook, tweet, sparkpeople, blog:
Nothing says hard at work than someone hardly working! The most taxing thing I do at work is register students for classes, which happens four times a year and lasts about a month. The other 8 months… well, it’s a hodgepodge.


9. Another year of getting to act my age!:
Dear friends who are married or have children,
My life is so much better than yours 90% of the time. No shared income or closet space. No compromising on which brand of bread to buy or figuring out how much mac and cheese will feed the kids. I get to spend my non-bill money on dinners out to childrenless bars to hear bad 80s cover bands on a Tuesday night, and I never, ever have to worry about a babysitter for my children (or husband). WIN! I’m going to appreciate this until I hit prime baby making time. Then I will panic.


8. Netflix instant stream: I should just replace my cable with netflix for how often and much I milk off of the instant stream feature. It’s bad when your recommended movies include the category “Animated movies featuring talking animals.” Added bonus for the year: getting the Wii hookup.


If this isn’t in your instant que, you are sadly missing out.

7. Elliptical obsessed women: While you spend your hour on the elliptical, I am going to take advantage of the other, more awesome cardio machines. You may look hotter bouncing up and down with little sweat, but at least I am getting more for my money.

6. Free shuttle bus to work: Every morning, I get to fight an Asian woman for the first-person-on-the-bus bragging rights. It has recently become a strategic competition. I am currently employing a big red bag to the chest to keep her from cutting in line. And when I feel vengeful, I’ll sit in the seat right next to her, even when there are plenty open. Not paying for public transportation never felt so evil!


5. The “hide posts” feature on Facebook: Wackjob conservative? Post daily Christian messages? Constantly asking for me to help you on your farm? Just plain annoying?… you’ve been hidden. No more do I have to weed through your facebook status updates about how awesome Hannah Montana is or how sick your children are! No more emo lyrics or crappy band invites!

(It’s not that I dont love you… It’s just that I often dont care. If I really didn’t want to hear from you, I’d de-friend you, and believe me, I’ve already de-friended about 200 “friends” in the past year.)

4. Online shopping: I’m done with Christmas shopping (3 days before Black Friday, to boot!). Last year, after a shopping mishap, I was forced to shop on Christmas Eve after a long shift as a seasonal employee of Target. It was at that moment where I was verbally fighting for a snowman mug full of 80 cent hot chocolate mix that I swore I would never, ever shop for non-essentials in store again.

3. Major news outlets: Where else would I get to read the article “Was Jesus a Communist?” but CNN? Or watch Glenn Beck encourage everyone to discuss inflation at their Thanksgiving dinner parties? Oh the joys of idiots with microphones and popular websites.


2. That I get to vote in Chicago: Who wouldn’t want to be a voter in this clusterf*ck of a mayoral election? Rahm, Chico, Braun? It’s the alphabet soup in the melting pot of rejected and “reformed” politicians. With the budget and skeletons some of these “players” have, the commercials are going to be hysterical.


1. Rotini noodles: I really dont need to explain this because, as well all know, rotini noodles can do anything (including make a pretty awesome portrait of JFK). It’s just the miracle of all pasta, and for that, I am forever grateful.

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