Fears

26 Jul

Sometimes I feel like my mom can easily pick out my biggest fear and just go at it. It’s pretty much harmless. She brings up a concern and it’s like… BAM… bye-bye self-confidence and hello self-loathing. It’s like she has this special psychic power to know what’s really bothering me so she can be sure to bring it up during our weekly phone conversations.

Today’s biggest fear: That I will lose my musicianship. I’m not going to be afraid to say it here that I am frightened of not being a music teacher and not being a regular player in a band or orchestra. I miss clarinet and I am totally afraid that not playing in a band means I wont be at the same level ever again (though it wasn’t at that high of level).
It kind of culminates with the fact that I’ve been upset that I am essentially wasting the wonderful degree I got (music education) on a job that means nothing to me. Four years spent crying over playing tests, pushing through lessons with the witch, dealing with gossip and pressure, pulling through music history papers, failing at auditions, etc… And I have nothing to show for it but one year teaching under my belt.
I’d like to continue playing in some capacity. I would love to teach a couple lessons here. But I have no connections in the city and all the community bands are tucked away in the suburbs. It’s another con to put on my list regarding my new location.
I’ll figure it out. I know I will. I just need a moment to mourn my loss of the dream job I always wanted. I just need some time to realize that what I worked so hard for wasn’t what I got in the end. I just need some time to pay off the mountains of student loans I just flushed down the drain for my current desk job that’s uninspiring and unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
End of ramblings.
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2 Responses to “Fears”

  1. poseurriffic July 29, 2010 at 3:26 am #

    Just an idea, take it as you will: Post an ad on craigslist for a clarinet ensemble. I bet there are at least 3 other people in the city in the same situation as you are; start your own quartet. I know music can be pricey, maybe take turns bringing a new piece to the group? Just 2 cents.

  2. Katie M July 30, 2010 at 4:21 pm #

    A desk job is not forever. Only temporary. You should read my friend Jen's blog: follow-my-bliss.com – she went on a long journey through a desk job she loathed to following her dreams, and she inspires me every day! So even if the desk job is now, you can always compile a list of what you want when the time comes that you can move on :-). You're just too cool and too young to think that this is it! No time is wasted when you are discovering who you are :-)!

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